September and 3 months to go!

2nd day of the month and i could not hide my giddiness :D

i am more excited than usual because 2 weeks from now, we will be in Cebu. together this time. wohooo! aside from that, this month is our anniversary month. woot! woot! i know it sounds corny but tell you, i am beyond description. we will be 4 years together in a few days! (thats 3 years together, 1.5 years apart, & 1 year together again haha) isn't that worth celebrating?

anyhoo, our Cebu trip will be a blast, i'm pretty sure. the itinerary is done and waiting to be accomplished. it will be a marathon, which makes it more exciting. from the moment our plane will land on Mactan's pureness, off we go to our first meeting. whew! not even a moment to freshen up haha. but how can i complain? our schedule itself is in its essence, hectic. so why not enjoy the 4 days vacay/marathon meetings/prenup/family get-together, right?

for the anniv, we are planning for an island weekend get-away. i hope this time, it will push through. i have been postponing trips since June and i will be really frustrated if this trip will be canceled again. i hope not. we have not decided where to go but rawa island in malaysia is in my fancy currently. i will storm heavens with my prayers for the success of this plan :D

3 months to go before the BIG day! and lately, Moyo and I, have been arguing madly. but i am confident we can sort things out really soon like maybe later tonight. i'm just giving him time to think things out and i'm spending time with myself and recollecting my inner peace kay murag g.atake napud ko. love is still in the air and in our hearts, that's for sure :D

be love,

yvonne

I Am a Beautiful Mess.

somehow, in some ways, i can totally relate to this song.
this is one of my fave Mraz' songs and i am lovin' the thought of him singing this song for me. *grin*


 

i listened to this endlessly last night, when my good friend Mr. A, reminded me of our YM sing along few months back. thank you Mr. A for always believing in me beyond my complications and absurdity. you have been my far-away, wingless angel even if we don't communicate that much.

while listening, i was reminded of many things...

" i am strong but i am needy"
" i am humble but i am greedy" :(
" my style is quite selective but my mind is rather reckless"

but inspite of how extreme i become "sometimes". there are still people who tells me that...

"cause i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear"
" although you are biased i love your advice"
" there's no shame in being crazy depending how you take these"
" here we are, we're still here"
" it's a beautiful mess"
" and through timeless words and priceless pictures, we'll fly like bird not of this earth.and tides they turn and hearts disfigure, but that's no concern when we're wounded together...but it's nice today, the wait is so worth it" 

haayyyy i have to really fight the demons inside me. i have to tell myself over and over again that i am blessed abundantly beyond what my heart can contain. i have to, i have to!

and oh btw, i chose this particular video coz i love the images shown. another inspiration for the photoshoot =D

Someone visited in Singapore

my lil bro stayed with me for 2 weeks (May 15-30) while school is out. this is our promise to him last year but things didn't worked out as planned thus this year's visit . it was supposed to be a family vacation but due to some constraints, my parents' visit will be scheduled next time.

in the airplane (cebu pacific). his first overseas trip

we didn't visit the usual touristry places but instead visited theme parks, free parks :D, malls and of course walang kamatayang sentosa hehe.

inside the bus

he got bored during weekdays so have to make up by touring him around during weekends. i'm super happy, he enjoyed the extreme rides, luge and bet you, the skyride (which btw, i totally hate).


more pictures here.

now, he's back in Cebu and i'm missing him BIGTIME *sobs*

Believing in Mr. Universe

i am happy to announce that my shouts to Mr. Universe have been heard! little by little, one by one. isn't that amazing? most of these requests were like ages ago but really, they are happening now, before my very eyes.

i couldn't be any happier than this - requirements getting closed. incentives increasing. tickets booked. siblings visit. boyfriend's trip. interview schedules. good health and safety. birthday trip. more trips. and getting hitched. truly, Mr. Universe has been listening to me all along. though some were forgotten, i am still thankful of course.

and guess what? i am sending more shouts and requests to him because i believe (warning: cliche ahead) "when you really want something, the whole universe conspires so that your wish will come true". and how true is that? all i could say, "without a doubt!" i have been a witness countless times and still am a firm believer.

so Mr. Universe, brace yourself! for more closures coming, incentives doubling its amount, more tickets to book, more visits to come, no more interview schedules but job offers, of course good health and safety, off to another continent for a birthday trip, conquer Asia and dream wedding to come true. whew!

i could go on and on with my list but i don't want to overwhelm him with too much information, maglibog unya dayun mocrash, saon na lang :D

The Woman I Love the Most

i could still vividly remember how my afternoons were spent when i was still in my primary years - powernap at around 2:30pm while listening to "Rameni, ang batang bronze!", champorado after waking up, get ready for a walk, visit her friends for them to catch up with each other, play around with the kids in the neighborhood while they are drinking tuba and smoking tobacco.

i basically grew up under her care with matching bunal and luhod sa monggos. i was the first grand daughter that she took cared of. i was spoiled not until my sisters came. by then, she has to divide her attention between us three because our parents were busy working to provide for our needs. i remember how she used to scold me for eating so slow and for always feeling sleepy during meal time (yes, dli ko dako ug kaon sauna hehe). she would come up with different strategies just to convince me to eat properly because i was the thinnest. luckily, her tactics worked and now i could eat every meal like i have been deprived of food for years. (in short, dako ug kaon pero sexy ghapon :p)
most people would tell me, i look exactly like her...pretty and cute *grin*. but growing up, i did not like the comment that much because i noticed that i am the smallest in the clan and i did not like being called "small". i felt so out of place. then i started hating her just because of that. at that time, i could not appreciate her in spite of her sacrifices for us. all i could think of were her flaws and sometimes strict attitude towards me. i noticed, she started giving more of her attention to my elder cousins. and i felt jealous and rebellious at the same time.

i could not count by my fingers the times i was really rebellious. i have caused so much headache and heartache to my parents at that time. me, in that state, did not make her proud. at some point, i think she was ashamed of me and maybe of herself too because a big part of me was all because of her. someone who sacrificed that much for a loved one has all the reasons to be angry and regretful.

but i was never remorseful to her. over the years, i realized how strong she was both emotionally and physically. yes, she is small until now but at the age of 91, she still attends to her sari-sari store and consistently wakes up at 5am to open it because she has early "suki". she never went to any school and she is illiterate but she took good care of her children and grandchildren based from what she learned from the streets while selling "tinapa". she grew up from a poor family but she never showed us that it was a hindrance to survival or even success. she was my strength and inspiration. knowing her body weakens every passing day, makes me feel so frustrated because i can't be there to take care of her.

the other day, she was brought to the hospital for the second time in her lifetime. unlike the first one where she was only treated for fever and minor injuries, this time she was diagnosed with pneumonia. she can't speak and hear properly. she doesn't even recognize her family. according to my sister, the first night she was there, she was looking for me. my heart was crying in severe sadness. in a instant, i prayed i could grow wings so i can just fly to cebu without buying a plane ticket. i stormed heavens with my prayers to give her more strength even if the whole family is ready to let her go because honestly, i am not. i still want her to be at my wedding because she promised. if that happens, it will be her second wedding march. i wish i could remind her of that.

my friends told me that i have to be ready because it will be her time really soon. i have to start accepting the fact that God will take her. holding on to something not under my control will be really stressful and painful. i have to learn to let go with a happy heart knowing she will be in heaven. i have to.

last April 21, the whole family celebrated her 91st birthday. the whole clan prepared for it because it might be her last. :(

to my mama miyo:
get well the soonest!
i love you dearly!

christmas 2008.
taken by me.
post-processed by moyo.

Of Family, Love & Friendship

when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
should one wait for a love to end, for a family to break or for friendship to fade? or should one keeps chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? (from adelle)

i've been pondering on this question for awhile now, trying to find the answer and trying to figure out the best action to take. i found out, it is not easy. it is never easy. every solution i can think of is associated to pain. and when i seriously think about it, i lose the courage. i sometimes tell myself that i would rather get trapped in this current situation than push myself a little harder to act on it. but would it be the right thing to do?

my family is currently undergoing a relationship turmoil, which i consider really serious. my father started it and i cannot put the blame to anyone but him. when it comes to issues in our family especially with my parents, i don't immediately judge anyone. i try to understand each in the best way i can. i am the eldest and its by default that i get all the information firsthand. but this time, i am over and done with all the understanding and patience. enough is enough! i can't bear to see my mother in pain and hurting. i can't tolerate insensitivity and pride. and most of all, i don't support passiveness because he thinks he is right and just because he provides for our needs. i am not sure how long i could act this way towards him but i am sure that my respect has been stained. i could only bring it back if he shows any effort that he is sorry.

next week, Mario is coming to Singapore to be with me and hopefully get a job. lately, we've been arguing madly. his passiveness is freaking me out big time and i think my OC-ness is getting to his nerves as well. how can i compromise? i hate procrastination especially when i know important things need to be finish on time or way before the time. i hate panicking! i can't seem to push him to do things fast (or do things my way coz his way is pure lousiness. yes, i'm not a kind girlfriend because i know him too well). i am just worried he might forget some things to do and some things to bring but he is not getting my point. enough is enough! i am letting him be. i am letting him do things his way. i am exhausted from always reminding him to do this and that. i just hope he won't forget a single thing this time or else it will be world war 3. gosh, i sound so mean! but yes, i am.

lately, i have been seriously doing a "friendship evaluation". i don't know what that means exactly but its similar to deleting-so called friends' names-in all accounts. :D don't get me wrong, i am not that harsh. i just don't like getting in touch with unhealthy friends. though it maybe hard to let go of them sometimes because somehow they have contributed something to what i am now, but still they are "unhealthy" and they should be forgotten. enough drama of wanting to be friends with everyone and enough trying to find friends who doesn't even want to be found. in my 27 years of living and laughing, i have learned that i can choose my friends just like how i choose my battles. i know in my heart that i have true friends and they are the ones whom i can trust and call anytime, anywhere. not to mention, the ones i can chat all day, all night :D

so, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
i say, our hearts will tell us so.

Intimate Weekend

the long weekend is over and i am happy i spent it the way i wanted it to be.

i did not get enough sleep just like my usual days but my experience was incomparable to my craving for rest. i had a blast instead! for 3 straight days i slept late (again!) and woke up early. but i am not complaining at all because i had coffee, good food and shared warm conversations with my friends in SFC.

at some point, i entertained thoughts of just lazing around the house for 3 days or do something else productive (like biking or jogging). good thing i did not give in to temptation or else i'd be really sorry.

so what exactly happened? hmmmm...let me just put it this way...i felt really blessed to be part of the community, to have sisters whom i can share just about anything, to learn lessons in a spiritual way, to experienced God's unconditional love, to be healed, to have the courage to bring my deepest darkest secrets to light and to share that courage with other courageous individuals. it was an awesome experience! really it is :D

i could not have spent my weekend any better than that. i was meant to be there! i did not regret any single thing even if i woke up late this morning and was rushing to office, even if until now i felt half-asleep, even if i have pimples break-out, and even if my head is aching because i was battling with sleep last night (2 big cups of coffee really had an effect on me :D)

i realized that experiences like these are worth rest-trading and sleep deprivation (for the lack of term). i could not thank my God enough but everyday i am grateful!

Trying the Art of Letting Go.

everyday is a struggle for me. yes, until now.
everyday, i realize that i am still a work in progress.

today, i am trying my best to let go...

- of the painful past
- of impatience
- of negative emotions
- of overthinking
- of being super sensitive
- of friends??? uuhhhmmm, unhealthy friends.

all these absorb my energy. everytime, i try to exert effort to entertain, i end up really frustrated, disappointed and drained all at the same time.

Mixed Emotions

what a comeback!

i was certainly in total hibernation for awhile like almost a month since my last post. i admit i didn't have the desire to write something even if i was in such rollercoaster ride in the past weeks. i don't know. it maybe pure laziness or something else.

and then just today, i was reminded. i suddenly felt i have no one except myself to cling on to. (here i am again expecting a lot from other people). i am total wreck! i am losing patience. i am losing kindness. i am almost losing love. i don't know which situation triggered all these. i am finding it hard to understand others. it felt difficult to even show them patience. and now, my relationships are affected just because i am all focused on myself. *sigh*

good thing i have this blog to vent out my emotions especially when there's no one to talk to. coz, everytime i feel this way, i always think nobody cares. they seem all too far away. *another sigh*

Back...

i have to write something in this blog or else it be totally forgotten.

i have to thank Kaith for reminding me that I have a blog to update. but because of busyness and pure laziness, i didn't have the time to check yesterday.

anyhow, i've been really busy in the office with requirements coming in from nowhere. hehe. i am not complaining though. i know i have to be grateful inspite of the economic depression, i am one of the few who still has an income and job. i BIG thank you to HIM up there.

i am also busy preparing for the BIG day. i need to do a lot of research for suppliers and other details. i know its still 9 months from now but time flies so fast and i don't want to procrastinate this time. not for my wedding!

i am also in dilemma as to which site we should use for wedding updates. i made one in blogspot but later on decided to make one in multiply as well. because of my complications, i have decided to use both :D Moyo won't mind for sure coz he won't be doing the updates anyway. he doesn't bug me as long as i am writing no-nonsense. both sites are still under construction and not updated. as soon as everything is in place, i will make it public so our friends can check.

so far, nothing much happening. starting now, i promise to visit my site often. i need to write some updates and do some tweaking. i've lost all my blogmates' sites :(

ciao for now!

Dreamy Mode

i have not yet fully recovered from my depression...of not being able to buy a ticket to Jason Mraz's concert here in Singapore because it was sold out in just 3 days after its announcement grrrrrrrrrr :(

but but i don't want to dwell on that anymore...char! im letting it go. now na!
so to avoid severe sadness, im setting myself to a dreamy mode.

well, i still want to watch jason's concert. maybe not in singapore. i have a feeling it will be in another continent where he is really really famous. and since my other faves are there, why not meet them too. yahoo! bono the great, i will meet you soon and of course, chris martin, don't worry im gonna buy a ticket to your concert .

weeeeeeee im sooo excited! Jason + U2 + Coldplay *grin*

Is it required?I mean seriously...

ohh my first post after days of hibernation :)

the past days were spent preparing for the big day. research, research and more research. now, im tired stalking those helpful sites. but apart from the preparation, got really busy fixing things up between us. reality really sinks in big time and if its not too much, on the least unexpected time. oh well, nothing much to do but to deal with it or else everything will disappear in a flash. *sigh*

but seriously, it got me to thinking if its really required to deal with all those arguments with all my heart into it? i admit im a sappy emotional freak and mostly than not, i over react. yes, even to the littliest tiniest stuff. so i always end up feeling lost because i dwell too much on an issue. at the back of my head, i reason that things need to be settled now or never. but i learned along the way that most people don't think like i do. poor me for thinking the other way around. you can just imagine how much time and energy i've wasted for all the drama.

anyway, i have made up my mind! im not talking. i will find myself because i think i lost it somewhere. i have to bring it home so i could really, seriously continue living. don't get me wrong, im still sane but with my active other self a.k.a alter ego. *wink*

on another note, is it really required for a B2B to have a MOH? duh! i think i'll not have one unless the church would allow me to have a male version. *grin*

Insight of the Day

how amazing this world wide web can be...

Dear yvonne,

"I don't believe in pessimism. If something doesn't come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it's going to rain, it will."

Clint Eastwood
Actor and Director

thank you Clint! (feeling close *grin*)

obviously, this is such a boink in my head after ranting my heart out in my previous post this morning.

yes, yes, i won't believe in pessimism anymore! yatta for positive thinking! :D

Some days are just not better

so this is one of my "not so" good days. i admit i'm being pessimistic for quite awhile now. this inspite of the positive "insights of the day" i receive in my email and some other "law of attraction" articles.

a lot of things are just running circles in my head. sometimes i convince myself to lie low from all the hassles and worries but there's no denying that i simply can't avoid it. its hard to forgive myself for worrying too much of some things that are yet to happen. that's just me...a worry-freak!but in fairness, im almost in the opposite side now. crawling myself really hard to get there. but see, i can't do this alone. i need other people to help me out. and i am freakingly expecting this from my loved ones - family, closest friends (if i have one), and yes from the boyfriend.

many times, i felt that its only this little nook that is giving me comfort. i can write anything, anytime. i can rant and rave and i feel peaceful and happy afterwards even if i don't get any response. i admit, im badly longing for this kind of comfort, to say the least *sigh*.

but of course, i still want to be on track. i still want to believe in magic and miracles. i still want to believe that this year is my year, that this year something grand will happen. that this year, all my dreams will come true. i still want to but some days are just not better...

To All my Blogmates...

i've been really busy preparing for something which explains my silence in the past few days. but aside from that, i hate to check this blog because i've lost some of my widgets and that includes my linklist. *crying out loud*

i felt such a loser coz i tried editing my layout weeks ago but don't know how to retrieve my original codes *sigh*. so in my frustration, i tinkered more and finally was able to bring back my original layout and some. but my link list, still nowhere to be found :(

so to all who visits my little nook, please do leave your links so i can visit yours too :D i have to apologize coz i have this little problem with my memory :-(

Inspiration!

in this world full of uncertainties, we need inspiration to keep us going. may it be from people, books or just the mundane.

i just want to share these lines i read from the blog of one of the inspiring people i know, Aileen Siroy.

"And I will continue to always learn, try, give my best, become better, and love -- love without measure.

I will continue to believe in goodness, in infinite possibilities, in second chances, in true friendships, in undying love, in magic and miracles.

And I will continue to have kindness in my life. And laughter. And courage. And happiness. And adventure. And love. Lots of love."

i am reading this everyday, again, to remind me to be always positive and to always always give importance to the things that really matter.

Life is Beautiful!!!

The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it’s taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it’s mountaineering; it’s wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it. If I believe that the track is my destiny and that God is in charge of the machine, then the nightmare becomes something thrilling. It becomes exactly what it is, a roller coaster, a safe, reliable toy, which will eventually stop, but, while the journey lasts, I must look at the surrounding landscape and whoop with excitement.
(Eleven Minutes, Coelho)

photo by: my good friend mian

***
i am reposting from her site to remind me how i should see LIFE right NOW inspite of the many uncertainties. (this aside that the lines were taken from one my fave Coelho books)

my 2009 Dream List

WRITE it down and MAKE it HAPPEN!

but my roomie and i, made something different last night. instead of really writing it down, we cut out pictures, phrases and unleashed our creative talents by making a collage of the things that we want to achieve for this year of the ox. (we really had fun doing this)

here's me sharing to you my list and my pieace of art *grin*

and to really let Mr. Universe know that we are bloody serious about this LAW of ATTRACTION theme, we posted it in our pretty wall, so we could read and remind him EVERYDAY.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! =)

'lil brother

i took this picture before he left for their class christmas party.
mama told him, they're going to wear "civilian" for the party
he got mad coz he thought, "civilian" is some kinda uniform
i told him its just nice polo and pants
he complied and asked me to put on some gel on his hair.

***
yesterday, mama saw him staring to nowhere while lying in bed
she asked, "what's wrong?"
he said, "i miss the two ladies" while wiping his eyes
she asked, "who?"
he said, "the two ladies who just left"
(my sister left for dubai last dec 26 and i followed on the 27th)

***
few hours ago, i spoke to him through ym
we talked for almost an hour
i asked him if he misses me
he said, he has been crying for days
"mingaw man ko nimo", he uttered
he told me to bring him here in sg during his summer vacation
i said, i will.

***
he is only 7 years old
my only brother and our youngest
you bet, he is spoiled.
coz he came 16 years after my youngest sister.
he is our angel and our miracle.