May 11, 2009

Believing in Mr. Universe

i am happy to announce that my shouts to Mr. Universe have been heard! little by little, one by one. isn't that amazing? most of these requests were like ages ago but really, they are happening now, before my very eyes.

i couldn't be any happier than this - requirements getting closed. incentives increasing. tickets booked. siblings visit. boyfriend's trip. interview schedules. good health and safety. birthday trip. more trips. and getting hitched. truly, Mr. Universe has been listening to me all along. though some were forgotten, i am still thankful of course.

and guess what? i am sending more shouts and requests to him because i believe (warning: cliche ahead) "when you really want something, the whole universe conspires so that your wish will come true". and how true is that? all i could say, "without a doubt!" i have been a witness countless times and still am a firm believer.

so Mr. Universe, brace yourself! for more closures coming, incentives doubling its amount, more tickets to book, more visits to come, no more interview schedules but job offers, of course good health and safety, off to another continent for a birthday trip, conquer Asia and dream wedding to come true. whew!

i could go on and on with my list but i don't want to overwhelm him with too much information, maglibog unya dayun mocrash, saon na lang :D

May 07, 2009

The Woman I Love the Most

i could still vividly remember how my afternoons were spent when i was still in my primary years - powernap at around 2:30pm while listening to "Rameni, ang batang bronze!", champorado after waking up, get ready for a walk, visit her friends for them to catch up with each other, play around with the kids in the neighborhood while they are drinking tuba and smoking tobacco.

i basically grew up under her care with matching bunal and luhod sa monggos. i was the first grand daughter that she took cared of. i was spoiled not until my sisters came. by then, she has to divide her attention between us three because our parents were busy working to provide for our needs. i remember how she used to scold me for eating so slow and for always feeling sleepy during meal time (yes, dli ko dako ug kaon sauna hehe). she would come up with different strategies just to convince me to eat properly because i was the thinnest. luckily, her tactics worked and now i could eat every meal like i have been deprived of food for years. (in short, dako ug kaon pero sexy ghapon :p)
most people would tell me, i look exactly like her...pretty and cute *grin*. but growing up, i did not like the comment that much because i noticed that i am the smallest in the clan and i did not like being called "small". i felt so out of place. then i started hating her just because of that. at that time, i could not appreciate her in spite of her sacrifices for us. all i could think of were her flaws and sometimes strict attitude towards me. i noticed, she started giving more of her attention to my elder cousins. and i felt jealous and rebellious at the same time.

i could not count by my fingers the times i was really rebellious. i have caused so much headache and heartache to my parents at that time. me, in that state, did not make her proud. at some point, i think she was ashamed of me and maybe of herself too because a big part of me was all because of her. someone who sacrificed that much for a loved one has all the reasons to be angry and regretful.

but i was never remorseful to her. over the years, i realized how strong she was both emotionally and physically. yes, she is small until now but at the age of 91, she still attends to her sari-sari store and consistently wakes up at 5am to open it because she has early "suki". she never went to any school and she is illiterate but she took good care of her children and grandchildren based from what she learned from the streets while selling "tinapa". she grew up from a poor family but she never showed us that it was a hindrance to survival or even success. she was my strength and inspiration. knowing her body weakens every passing day, makes me feel so frustrated because i can't be there to take care of her.

the other day, she was brought to the hospital for the second time in her lifetime. unlike the first one where she was only treated for fever and minor injuries, this time she was diagnosed with pneumonia. she can't speak and hear properly. she doesn't even recognize her family. according to my sister, the first night she was there, she was looking for me. my heart was crying in severe sadness. in a instant, i prayed i could grow wings so i can just fly to cebu without buying a plane ticket. i stormed heavens with my prayers to give her more strength even if the whole family is ready to let her go because honestly, i am not. i still want her to be at my wedding because she promised. if that happens, it will be her second wedding march. i wish i could remind her of that.

my friends told me that i have to be ready because it will be her time really soon. i have to start accepting the fact that God will take her. holding on to something not under my control will be really stressful and painful. i have to learn to let go with a happy heart knowing she will be in heaven. i have to.

last April 21, the whole family celebrated her 91st birthday. the whole clan prepared for it because it might be her last. :(

to my mama miyo:
get well the soonest!
i love you dearly!

christmas 2008.
taken by me.
post-processed by moyo.

May 06, 2009

Of Family, Love & Friendship

when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
should one wait for a love to end, for a family to break or for friendship to fade? or should one keeps chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? (from adelle)

i've been pondering on this question for awhile now, trying to find the answer and trying to figure out the best action to take. i found out, it is not easy. it is never easy. every solution i can think of is associated to pain. and when i seriously think about it, i lose the courage. i sometimes tell myself that i would rather get trapped in this current situation than push myself a little harder to act on it. but would it be the right thing to do?

my family is currently undergoing a relationship turmoil, which i consider really serious. my father started it and i cannot put the blame to anyone but him. when it comes to issues in our family especially with my parents, i don't immediately judge anyone. i try to understand each in the best way i can. i am the eldest and its by default that i get all the information firsthand. but this time, i am over and done with all the understanding and patience. enough is enough! i can't bear to see my mother in pain and hurting. i can't tolerate insensitivity and pride. and most of all, i don't support passiveness because he thinks he is right and just because he provides for our needs. i am not sure how long i could act this way towards him but i am sure that my respect has been stained. i could only bring it back if he shows any effort that he is sorry.

next week, Mario is coming to Singapore to be with me and hopefully get a job. lately, we've been arguing madly. his passiveness is freaking me out big time and i think my OC-ness is getting to his nerves as well. how can i compromise? i hate procrastination especially when i know important things need to be finish on time or way before the time. i hate panicking! i can't seem to push him to do things fast (or do things my way coz his way is pure lousiness. yes, i'm not a kind girlfriend because i know him too well). i am just worried he might forget some things to do and some things to bring but he is not getting my point. enough is enough! i am letting him be. i am letting him do things his way. i am exhausted from always reminding him to do this and that. i just hope he won't forget a single thing this time or else it will be world war 3. gosh, i sound so mean! but yes, i am.

lately, i have been seriously doing a "friendship evaluation". i don't know what that means exactly but its similar to deleting-so called friends' names-in all accounts. :D don't get me wrong, i am not that harsh. i just don't like getting in touch with unhealthy friends. though it maybe hard to let go of them sometimes because somehow they have contributed something to what i am now, but still they are "unhealthy" and they should be forgotten. enough drama of wanting to be friends with everyone and enough trying to find friends who doesn't even want to be found. in my 27 years of living and laughing, i have learned that i can choose my friends just like how i choose my battles. i know in my heart that i have true friends and they are the ones whom i can trust and call anytime, anywhere. not to mention, the ones i can chat all day, all night :D

so, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
i say, our hearts will tell us so.

May 04, 2009

Intimate Weekend

the long weekend is over and i am happy i spent it the way i wanted it to be.

i did not get enough sleep just like my usual days but my experience was incomparable to my craving for rest. i had a blast instead! for 3 straight days i slept late (again!) and woke up early. but i am not complaining at all because i had coffee, good food and shared warm conversations with my friends in SFC.

at some point, i entertained thoughts of just lazing around the house for 3 days or do something else productive (like biking or jogging). good thing i did not give in to temptation or else i'd be really sorry.

so what exactly happened? hmmmm...let me just put it this way...i felt really blessed to be part of the community, to have sisters whom i can share just about anything, to learn lessons in a spiritual way, to experienced God's unconditional love, to be healed, to have the courage to bring my deepest darkest secrets to light and to share that courage with other courageous individuals. it was an awesome experience! really it is :D

i could not have spent my weekend any better than that. i was meant to be there! i did not regret any single thing even if i woke up late this morning and was rushing to office, even if until now i felt half-asleep, even if i have pimples break-out, and even if my head is aching because i was battling with sleep last night (2 big cups of coffee really had an effect on me :D)

i realized that experiences like these are worth rest-trading and sleep deprivation (for the lack of term). i could not thank my God enough but everyday i am grateful!