The Woman I Love the Most

i could still vividly remember how my afternoons were spent when i was still in my primary years - powernap at around 2:30pm while listening to "Rameni, ang batang bronze!", champorado after waking up, get ready for a walk, visit her friends for them to catch up with each other, play around with the kids in the neighborhood while they are drinking tuba and smoking tobacco.

i basically grew up under her care with matching bunal and luhod sa monggos. i was the first grand daughter that she took cared of. i was spoiled not until my sisters came. by then, she has to divide her attention between us three because our parents were busy working to provide for our needs. i remember how she used to scold me for eating so slow and for always feeling sleepy during meal time (yes, dli ko dako ug kaon sauna hehe). she would come up with different strategies just to convince me to eat properly because i was the thinnest. luckily, her tactics worked and now i could eat every meal like i have been deprived of food for years. (in short, dako ug kaon pero sexy ghapon :p)
most people would tell me, i look exactly like her...pretty and cute *grin*. but growing up, i did not like the comment that much because i noticed that i am the smallest in the clan and i did not like being called "small". i felt so out of place. then i started hating her just because of that. at that time, i could not appreciate her in spite of her sacrifices for us. all i could think of were her flaws and sometimes strict attitude towards me. i noticed, she started giving more of her attention to my elder cousins. and i felt jealous and rebellious at the same time.

i could not count by my fingers the times i was really rebellious. i have caused so much headache and heartache to my parents at that time. me, in that state, did not make her proud. at some point, i think she was ashamed of me and maybe of herself too because a big part of me was all because of her. someone who sacrificed that much for a loved one has all the reasons to be angry and regretful.

but i was never remorseful to her. over the years, i realized how strong she was both emotionally and physically. yes, she is small until now but at the age of 91, she still attends to her sari-sari store and consistently wakes up at 5am to open it because she has early "suki". she never went to any school and she is illiterate but she took good care of her children and grandchildren based from what she learned from the streets while selling "tinapa". she grew up from a poor family but she never showed us that it was a hindrance to survival or even success. she was my strength and inspiration. knowing her body weakens every passing day, makes me feel so frustrated because i can't be there to take care of her.

the other day, she was brought to the hospital for the second time in her lifetime. unlike the first one where she was only treated for fever and minor injuries, this time she was diagnosed with pneumonia. she can't speak and hear properly. she doesn't even recognize her family. according to my sister, the first night she was there, she was looking for me. my heart was crying in severe sadness. in a instant, i prayed i could grow wings so i can just fly to cebu without buying a plane ticket. i stormed heavens with my prayers to give her more strength even if the whole family is ready to let her go because honestly, i am not. i still want her to be at my wedding because she promised. if that happens, it will be her second wedding march. i wish i could remind her of that.

my friends told me that i have to be ready because it will be her time really soon. i have to start accepting the fact that God will take her. holding on to something not under my control will be really stressful and painful. i have to learn to let go with a happy heart knowing she will be in heaven. i have to.

last April 21, the whole family celebrated her 91st birthday. the whole clan prepared for it because it might be her last. :(

to my mama miyo:
get well the soonest!
i love you dearly!

christmas 2008.
taken by me.
post-processed by moyo.